Jake on figure skating

Now what the fuck is all this?

That's the first thing I asked when figure skating came on the TV.

Let me back that up.  As I've been saying, been real cold around these parts.  It's not like I don't know how to survive it, but why do that when I can just climb into Nichols' house?  Famous last words.

I don't like watching TV and for the most part, neither does he.  But this year is an Olympic year and he's all about that it seems.  Me?  I can figure why half this junk is called "sports."  Hockey is, granted, granted (and man, I've seen old clips of the US beating the commies in hockey at Lake Placid.  I SO WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE!)  Bobsled is kinda cool.  Part of me really wants to give the luge a try, but I sure as hell ain't wearing that suit.  Would cramp me up, know what I mean?  Skiing might not be bad.

But then there's figure skating.

Somebody want to tell me just WHAT in the Jeepers H. Johsephat on a popsicle stick that's all about?

I am by NO means a fan of that commie dictator Putin.  But I thought he didn't allow homosexuals into Russia?  Thought he rounded them all up and took them somewhere else so they don't start getting married and adopting children?  But what do I see?

These dancin' fruits come out on the ice in their sparkly clothes and start swishy sashaying around.

UGH!

First of all, if it was a real sport, they'd be wearing jerseys.  Want the definition of sports?  I got three words for ya: GREEN BAY PACKERS!

B) Their music sucks.  If you want to get a crowd into a performance, ditch that junk that you do "jazz hands" to and just for ONCE follow the will of the people (geez, it's like they're being coached by Obama.)  I'm talking somebody like Toby Keith, Travis Tritt, or Motley Crue.

3. You want to explain to me why in the pairs skates those men aren't feeling up those women?  They got ALL the chance in the world to.  Yeah, I think you know the answer.

But that's the plus side of that so-called "sport." Sure are a lot of fine looking hos on that ice.  All in skirts and shit.  They must be lonely for REAL men in that Olympic village.  Living in those cramped dorms.

I think maybe next time I'll go out for biathlon.

Jake for gold in 2018, fuckers.