Jake at the movies: World War Z

So last summer, Nichols and Sell took me to see World War Z.

Here's me in the theater as shown by an action figure (as you know, I am NOT showing my real self on here):

Couple of nice guys, those jackasses.  They even got me Twizzlers.

Anyway, on with the movie.

I ain't no Siskel and I sure as hell ain't no Ebert (LIBERAL!) but here's what I thought about it.

First off, there ain't gonna be no "zombie outbreak." I'm from the future and I'm here to tell you it just doesn't happen.  That is unless you count all the mindless sheep who said, "Oh yeah.  Martial law is cool.  I don't care."  In fact, there's this part where Brad Pitt's daughter asks, "Daddy, what's martial law?" Believe me, every MAN, WOMAN, and CHILD should be asking that question right about now.  Funny.  The movie sort of starts out that way and that was (one of the few) things I liked about it.  They show channel flipping between talk shows and reality TV and nobody seems to catch the news bits about a viral outbreak.  You know, REAL news that might affect you?  Throbknobs.

So anyway, the zombie outbreak hits and must of these schmucks are completely unprepared.  That's what REALLY scares me.  But that Brad Pitt guy ain't bad.  Talk about situational awareness, as the first zombie attack happened, he keyed in on one important aspect of zombie behavior while everybody else was panicking and losing their heads.  Trust me.  You GOTTA be able to do that in a real fight.  Yeah, Brad Pitt's all right.  I'll be watching him.

Moving along, Brad Pitt comes across an RV.  Somehow, all the panicking people must have missed it conveniently placed in the street for anyone to take.  But Pitt knew right what to do.  WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!  This Brad Pitt guy knows what he's doing!

Then his kid has an asthma attack.  I'll cut him a little slack for not being prepared with extra medicine (ALWAYS have that in your bug-out bag!) as he was just on a family outing at first.  Then again, it hits the fan when you least expect it so never get caught unprepared.  Speaking of prepared, there was one part of the movie that made stand up and yell "What the fuck?" at the screen.  Yeah, that wimp Nichols didn't like that too much, scared we were gonna get kicked out.  Like some pencil-neck teenage movie usher is gonna take down JAKE TIMBER?  Right.

Anyway, these guys in the movie go to a grocery store.  This store carries motor oil.  I have NEVER seen a grocery store carry that (especially not next to the milk) so do NOT count on getting your car's oil there after the end of society.

They make it to a command ship at sea.  A UN rep starts to get rationed water to them.  Now if THAT ain't symbolic of the Big Government that is to come, I don't know what the fuck is.

Brad Pitt goes off on his own mission to stop this apocalypse-in-progress.  In the course of things, one of his team (a doctor I think) runs up the metal ramp of a C-130.  The ramp is wet with rain.  He trips and blows his own head off with the nine he's carrying.  Important lesson folks.  Keep your finger on the TRIGGER GUARD AND NOT THE TRIGGER!  Geez.  Also watch your noise discipline (turn your fucking cell phone off!) and flagging your damn weapon.

How did Israel build that fucking wall so fast?  Wait, they probably got the plans already from Gaza.  That's cool.  Plus, Israel is special to God so He probably helped them out with the 411 on the zombie front.  Makes sense.

How did that zombie get on the plane?

I just do NOT trust the UN!

So Brad Pitt's got to make his way through this UN medical facility and they don't have no phone or radio they can send with him?  Jagoffs.  He needed to demand communication.  If you ain't got commo, you might as well not have eyes.

The movie's good and bad.  A few great shots of bodies getting blown apart but you don't see any tits.