Jake on figure skating

Now what the fuck is all this?

That's the first thing I asked when figure skating came on the TV.

Let me back that up.  As I've been saying, been real cold around these parts.  It's not like I don't know how to survive it, but why do that when I can just climb into Nichols' house?  Famous last words.

I don't like watching TV and for the most part, neither does he.  But this year is an Olympic year and he's all about that it seems.  Me?  I can figure why half this junk is called "sports."  Hockey is, granted, granted (and man, I've seen old clips of the US beating the commies in hockey at Lake Placid.  I SO WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE!)  Bobsled is kinda cool.  Part of me really wants to give the luge a try, but I sure as hell ain't wearing that suit.  Would cramp me up, know what I mean?  Skiing might not be bad.

But then there's figure skating.

Somebody want to tell me just WHAT in the Jeepers H. Johsephat on a popsicle stick that's all about?

I am by NO means a fan of that commie dictator Putin.  But I thought he didn't allow homosexuals into Russia?  Thought he rounded them all up and took them somewhere else so they don't start getting married and adopting children?  But what do I see?

These dancin' fruits come out on the ice in their sparkly clothes and start swishy sashaying around.

UGH!

First of all, if it was a real sport, they'd be wearing jerseys.  Want the definition of sports?  I got three words for ya: GREEN BAY PACKERS!

B) Their music sucks.  If you want to get a crowd into a performance, ditch that junk that you do "jazz hands" to and just for ONCE follow the will of the people (geez, it's like they're being coached by Obama.)  I'm talking somebody like Toby Keith, Travis Tritt, or Motley Crue.

3. You want to explain to me why in the pairs skates those men aren't feeling up those women?  They got ALL the chance in the world to.  Yeah, I think you know the answer.

But that's the plus side of that so-called "sport." Sure are a lot of fine looking hos on that ice.  All in skirts and shit.  They must be lonely for REAL men in that Olympic village.  Living in those cramped dorms.

I think maybe next time I'll go out for biathlon.

Jake for gold in 2018, fuckers.

URBAN COMBAT: An attack on our power grid?

Let ol' Jake tell you what happened while the rest of you kumquats was watching football.

No idea why you wasted your time on that blowout of a game, anyways.  Be a different story if it were the Packers playing those Seahawks (Jake, they are in the same conference. --Jonny)

So help me, Nichols, when I'm done with you, I'll spread what's left on a Ritz cracker and eat it.  Got me?

Anyways, I found this story that the lamestream liberal media isn't covering.

Sounds like people in San Jose, California might be in for a rough time.  A sniper rifle is being blamed for damage at power stations to transformers.  (No word yet as to if the wounded are Autobots or Decepticons. --Jonny)

THAT'S IT!  WE'RE GOING AT IT!

'Scuse me.  Where was I before I had to put the fear of death in pee-pants over here?  (Not in the face, Jake!  Not in the face! --Jonny)

Oh yeah.  Terrorism.

Supposably, the White House is getting secret briefings as to these attacks as they may represent a threat to the electrical grid of the nation as a whole.  That's what Breitbart is saying anyway.  What?  There's a terrorist threat they're not telling us about?  You mean those same people who did all that covering up after those Navy SEALS lost their lives in an attack on Benghazi?  Nahhhh....course not.

All along the defense planners have feared an EMP attack on the power grid, either by portable generator or high atmospheric nuclear detonation.  Now, with our Southern borders leaking like flippin' sieve, any terrorist can sneak through with a sniper rifle and take the machinery apart with potshots.  I swear, this administration is just a bunch of Marys.

Then again, it could all be staged event.  What we in soldiering call a "false flag" attack.  That's what happened to us in the future...as you'll see when my books come out. (WHEN exactly is that going to be, Jake? --Jonny)  It's all a fake put on by the "powers that be" who want to rule our nation by decree.  As soon as the sheep are good and panicked, they declare martial law.

Well my friends, you need to do two things.  First, get your asses to church and pray for God's mercy and guidance in what's about to come.  Second, get yourself prepared for urban combat.  I'm talking chewing dirt while fighting house-to-house in a city's cement-scape.  You can turn any building into a fortified compound.  Punji sticks.  Burmese tiger traps.  Things like that really play hell with the enemy's moral.

Keep your woman in the kitchen.  She'll need to provide covering fire.  You'll aside need snipers high atop concealed locations.  Your personal carry weapon?  I'd go with a shotgun.  Great for close quarters fighting.

I suggest you get old issues of G.I. Joe written by Larry Hama and start studying.

Now I gots to get to sleep.

Jake at the movies: World War Z

So last summer, Nichols and Sell took me to see World War Z.

Here's me in the theater as shown by an action figure (as you know, I am NOT showing my real self on here):

Couple of nice guys, those jackasses.  They even got me Twizzlers.

Anyway, on with the movie.

I ain't no Siskel and I sure as hell ain't no Ebert (LIBERAL!) but here's what I thought about it.

First off, there ain't gonna be no "zombie outbreak." I'm from the future and I'm here to tell you it just doesn't happen.  That is unless you count all the mindless sheep who said, "Oh yeah.  Martial law is cool.  I don't care."  In fact, there's this part where Brad Pitt's daughter asks, "Daddy, what's martial law?" Believe me, every MAN, WOMAN, and CHILD should be asking that question right about now.  Funny.  The movie sort of starts out that way and that was (one of the few) things I liked about it.  They show channel flipping between talk shows and reality TV and nobody seems to catch the news bits about a viral outbreak.  You know, REAL news that might affect you?  Throbknobs.

So anyway, the zombie outbreak hits and must of these schmucks are completely unprepared.  That's what REALLY scares me.  But that Brad Pitt guy ain't bad.  Talk about situational awareness, as the first zombie attack happened, he keyed in on one important aspect of zombie behavior while everybody else was panicking and losing their heads.  Trust me.  You GOTTA be able to do that in a real fight.  Yeah, Brad Pitt's all right.  I'll be watching him.

Moving along, Brad Pitt comes across an RV.  Somehow, all the panicking people must have missed it conveniently placed in the street for anyone to take.  But Pitt knew right what to do.  WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!  This Brad Pitt guy knows what he's doing!

Then his kid has an asthma attack.  I'll cut him a little slack for not being prepared with extra medicine (ALWAYS have that in your bug-out bag!) as he was just on a family outing at first.  Then again, it hits the fan when you least expect it so never get caught unprepared.  Speaking of prepared, there was one part of the movie that made stand up and yell "What the fuck?" at the screen.  Yeah, that wimp Nichols didn't like that too much, scared we were gonna get kicked out.  Like some pencil-neck teenage movie usher is gonna take down JAKE TIMBER?  Right.

Anyway, these guys in the movie go to a grocery store.  This store carries motor oil.  I have NEVER seen a grocery store carry that (especially not next to the milk) so do NOT count on getting your car's oil there after the end of society.

They make it to a command ship at sea.  A UN rep starts to get rationed water to them.  Now if THAT ain't symbolic of the Big Government that is to come, I don't know what the fuck is.

Brad Pitt goes off on his own mission to stop this apocalypse-in-progress.  In the course of things, one of his team (a doctor I think) runs up the metal ramp of a C-130.  The ramp is wet with rain.  He trips and blows his own head off with the nine he's carrying.  Important lesson folks.  Keep your finger on the TRIGGER GUARD AND NOT THE TRIGGER!  Geez.  Also watch your noise discipline (turn your fucking cell phone off!) and flagging your damn weapon.

How did Israel build that fucking wall so fast?  Wait, they probably got the plans already from Gaza.  That's cool.  Plus, Israel is special to God so He probably helped them out with the 411 on the zombie front.  Makes sense.

How did that zombie get on the plane?

I just do NOT trust the UN!

So Brad Pitt's got to make his way through this UN medical facility and they don't have no phone or radio they can send with him?  Jagoffs.  He needed to demand communication.  If you ain't got commo, you might as well not have eyes.

The movie's good and bad.  A few great shots of bodies getting blown apart but you don't see any tits.