Hey everybody! Jake Timber here rappin' at ya.
So where was I? Got a little drunk last night and I'm not really sure where I was going with this.
Oh yeah. Me. Nichols. McDonald's. Him totally DISSING the McRib. Which just ain't American. Anyway...
I'm trying to tell him about the coming storm. Trying to let people know how to STOP this fight before it ever even happens. I mean, let's MAKE THINGS HAPPEN! Er, not happen. Anyway, I got my whole story to tell and I know how I want to tell it. Got the names changed to protect the guilty and everything. Soon, people could read all about me and my friends Sassy McCoy, Duke Goldhammer, and Stanley Conquergood.
"Best part is," I tells him, "Not only do we stop a tyrannical future U.S., we give people a kick ass series of action books. Lot of sex in there too, because...well, it's me. Perfect cocktail for sales."
He tells me he's not interested. I figured. So I slide a stack of hundred dollar bills over to him. He still turns me down. Heh. "Joe College." I slide over another stack of hundreds. He seems to think about it a little more, but still says "no." Time to go for my trump card.
I reach into my rucksack and bring out the big guns. It's a collected box set of Star Trek, the Original Series. The jackass looked like he wet himself (geez, I don't know for sure, I wasn't going to freakin' check, ya know?)
That got him. Not only that, but he was giddy-like-a-little-damn-girl over the box set, he didn't even balk when I told him to manage all my social media promotions (I mean, I am NOT getting my digital self out there for the NSA to find.) He just said "yeah yeah" while squealing "it's got 'Spock's Brain!'"
He said he wanted to do a "preliminary interview." Get to know "who he's writing about." Fine. So I show the asshat where I live. He's not impressed at first, until I show him my ingenious home brew system. Yeah, beer's a little scarce where I come from so you learn to make do. ADAPT. How many times do I gotta tell you people?
Anyway, what else did I tell him? I'm a devout member of the 700 Club and I'm hoping to get Pat Robertston to make another presidential run. THAT might be all it takes to stop this thing! But then I wouldn't get my books out there. Tough choice. What else? Oh yeah. I'm a big Green Bay Packers fan, which gave Nichols the shits. Kinda saw it coming in my research of the guy, him following those losers the Bears and all. Also, I told him I could pinpoint almost the exact moment that things started to turn for the worst with our great nation.
Obama's election? Bad. But it got worse.
I'm talking about when Charlie Sheen left Two and a Half Men. That's when we REALLY started to turn away from Jesus.
Sad.
Then it got cold. Like arctic cold. But as I said last time, I knew how to handle it in my hut but why make more work for myself? "I'll just go stay with the writer!" I says. That's a story for next time.
Actually, I'm at his house right now, riding out this "polar vortex" or whatever malarkey their calling it to boost their "global warming" agenda. It's not so bad. I'm going over my story with him, breaking it down into separate books. Seems like each little bit of my life makes me think "that's another book to add!" The series just keeps growing, folks! He always seems to get more depressed at that.
Jackass.
Follow me on Twitter @JakeTimber3
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